The numbers agree: SpongeBob SquarePants is still a thing. A thing that apparently hates America.
The second film adaptation of a show we could’ve sworn went off the air a decade ago topped the box office with a whopping $56 million … and we’re MAD AS HELL. Why, you ask? Because this knocks our pal Bradley Cooper’s fantastic* American Sniper down to the number two spot. That’s right, guys: America is in SECOND PLACE.
Thanks, Obama. Maybe you’ll stop de-funding the military and start declaring some more wars. Otherwise, Nickelodeon will be running this country in 3-5 years. We don’t want that. We want Marvel in charge, dammit!
*We haven’t actually seen American Sniper, but John’s uncle says it’s awesome and that we’re pansies if we don’t like it too. So we’ll take his word for it.