In the aftermath of another tragic shooting, there have been increased calls for gun control measures. But, as sensible Americans know, that’s a ridiculous notion that restricts our God-given freedoms. Naturally, we have some thoughts about how to make movie theaters safe again.
Metal detectors at the entrance
This is a no-brainer. What’s good enough for our airports and government buildings is most definitely good enough for our AMCs and Regals. Let’s install a few x-ray machines as well–make it just like a TSA checkpoint! And while we’re at it, toss in a few random pat downs. All of this before you’ve even made it to the ticket window. You can never be too careful.
Mandatory three-day waiting periods
Since acts of violence are often impulsive, we’re recommending an across-the-board three-day waiting period on the purchase of movie tickets. Oh, you want to see the Friday 8:30pm screening of Minions? Come back Monday.
Run background checks on customers
Despite the huge advances made in social networking, we still don’t know that much about each other. A mandatory three-day waiting period allows theaters to run detailed background checks on its moviegoers. Let’s keep violent citizens out of our places of movie worship.
Arm the ushers
They’re the eyes and ears of the theater, so why not give ‘em a little extra firepower? Mopping up vomit and collecting ticket stubs just got a whole lot cooler! Instead of teenagers, movie theaters can start reaching out to retired police officers to fill these positions.
Beef up the concession stands
Popcorn is delicious, and goes great with a Coca-Cola, but neither makes us safer. What if the #2 Combo came with a handgun? Maybe you could buy some body armor with that Icee. These aren’t drastic suggestions; it’s common sense, as both a safety measure and a way to boost a theater’s bottom line.
Remember, folks: guns aren’t the problem. Movies and movie theaters are. Let’s set about fixing them.